Guards! Guards!

Of all Terry Pratchett’s fantasy-satire Discworld novels, I think “Guards! Guards!” is the best. I always recommend it to first-time Pratchett readers, and they’re never disappointed. The book introduces the reader to the great, dirty city of Ankh-Morpork and its many denizens who have come under the threat of a tyrannical fire-breathing dragon. How did it get there? What does it want? Who’s going to fight it? The answer is never what you’d suspect! Everything – the humor, the pacing, the characters, the story and its biting satire – all come together brilliantly. The only other titles that come close to this one are probably Reaper Man, Going Postal, The Truth, Wee Free Men, Hogfather, and Thud. I think Sir Pratchett really hit the nail on the head with this one. It is so entertaining and so thoughtful… if you want to get into Pratchett, start here, and if you’re already a Pratchett fan, don’t miss this one!

I hope Death is taking good care of Sir Terry Pratchett, because when he comes to take me to the other side, Id like to kiss Sir Terry on the mouth. Because Im in love.

I dont think words like clever, witty, cynical, hilarious, dark, wise, and gut-busting-funny really do justice to his writing, but its kind of all of those combined and you get this amazing writing that is both funny, clever, and underneath it all incredibly dark and somewhat sobering. But how else do you point out to people all that is wrong with humanity? No one wants to hear whats wrong with humanity unless they want to become a deeply depressed, chain smoking, alcoholics. So you do it the only way that will get people to listen: you disguise it as a joke. So that people can laugh, sigh, and say that clever bastard and go on with their day without thinking of drowning themselves in a bottle of gin.

Ive been holding off on starting Terry Pratchetts works for years because the collection is so massive and apparently you dont start with book 1. After hearing about his passing, however, I knew I just had to do it. Since there are several viable starting points, after some consideration and research, I decided to start with The City Watch collection, as it is lauded as one of the funniest and best books in the collection.

The book is about the city of Ankh Morpork and its Watch. The city wasa, wasa, wasa wossname. Thing. Woman. Thats what it was. Woman. Roaring, ancient, centuries old. Strung you along, let you fall in thingy, love, then kicked you inna, inna, thingy. Thingy, in your mouth. Tongue. Tonsils. Teeth. Thats what it, she, did. She wasa thing, you know, lady dog. Puppy. Hen. Bitch. And then you hated her and, and just when you thought youd got her, it, out of your whatever, then she opened her great booming rotten heart to you, caught you off bal, bal, bal, thing. Ance. Yeah. Thassit. Never knew where where you stood. Lay. Only one thing you were sure of, you couldnt let her go. Because, because she was yours, all you had, even in her gutters

If you take a city and turn it upside down, put criminals in charge, and the respectable folk at the bottom youll have something vaguely resembling Ankh Morpork. Cover it in trash, alcohol, and feces and youll be much closer.

Like any true fantasy this book has its heroes, its tyrants, its would-be-kings trying to beat the tyrants, secret societies, magical books and artifacts, and of course, last, but never the least: dragons.

We go to the gutter to find our anti-hero Sam Vimes, Captain of the Night Watch, a depressed alcoholic brought low by a woman. The woman in this case is Ankh Morpork herself, his true love, his city. Our other hero is Carrot, a six foot Dwarf who may not be a Dwarf after all do to human genetics, in possession of the most non-magical sword in existence. And of course, Srg. Colon and Srg. Nobbs. Oh, and the Librarian mon beg pardon, Ape. Who may have been a man once. They are all brilliant, lovable, and while slightly cowardly, ready to stand behind their Captain.

Then there is of course Lord Havelock Vetinari, who is the citys ruler, a tyrant who you probably actually dont mind having in charge, since hes not very tyrannical, but a very effective ruler. He demands greats respect and you have to give it him, because if you didnt hed send men to come and take it away.

It takes a threat to the city, to the livelihood of all its criminal citizens, to get the good Captain out of his drunken malaise and turn him into the cynical, brooding, anti-hero his city needs, but never knew it wanted. That threat, of course, is a dragon, for what other creature could disturb a city that is already run by organized crime.

But a dragon is only a dragon after all, and it will do what a dragon will do. That is, hoard anything shinny, set things on fire, and demand a human snack to appease its hunger.

Full of puns, wordplay, and humorous cynicism this book would give Monty Python a run for its money, all while showing just how petty some powerful people can be, and how heroic some pathetic people may turn out to be. It a one in a million chance, but it just might work.

The question is: Are you feeling lucky, punk?

I was looking forward to giving this one a “very unpredictable” quick-rating, but for once, Amazon didn’t ask. Guards is definitely a broader, meatier novel than its predecessors in the series as I’ve been reading through, and probably does top my prior favorite, Equal Rites, for character development. As might be expected of any author with an extensive canon, Pratchett is definitely well into his stride pulling in references from prior books, but the core of the story does not rely upon prior knowledge. Neither is it as extensively action/adventure as might be expected from a fantasy novel with a dragon on the cover and a call of alarm in the title. Imagine something more along the lines of, say, a video meme of a kitten struggling to not slide off the edge of an armchair by having its claws embedded in a blanket which in turn is covered in other kittens who are consequently being dragged over to the edge as the whole blanket shifts, only in book form, arguably backwards, and with dragons. Not dragons in place of the kittens, no, that isn’t… I mean… ok. What I’m trying to get at is that you may think you know where it’s going, and on a macro scale you’re probably right, but some of the kittens are magic, one of them is an orangutan, one may or may not exist, and besides, the laws of physics don’t behave the way you’d expect. Which is all to say that the reason you’re reading to begin with isn’t because you know exactly what’s going to happen, but is rather, in fact, because you don’t, but you would anyway even if you actually did.

I love STP books. I have done for about 18 years.
I bought this one for my bro to introduce him to discworld, this is where the fun starts. The earlier ones are a bit clunky.
Hes been drip reading it for months. But he does send me a quote now and then that made him laugh. Another one converted. Albeit at the pace of brexit.

This was the first Discworld novel I ever read… under strong recommendation from my brother whom speaks very highly of Terry Pratchett and he was an author I just never got round to reading…. however over the Christmas relaxation period I found I had some free time… I finally picked up a copy of the book and read it… and it was fantastic…. I now understand where my brother was coming from. Also… I’m going back now to read the books in chronological order.

If you’re reading this as a Terry Prachett fan then this review is pointless for you… but if you’re on the fence and looking for a good place to start… I found this book a very good introduction to the Discworld universe!

RIP Terry Prachett!