This Is How It Always Is

Attempts to take on an important issue, but misses the boat on some important aspects

I give Laurie Frankel credit for trying to write about transgender children, a new topic for many people. I appreciate her ability to describe the reality of family-life, and I was impressed by the description of Claude blossoming once allowed to be Poppy, a transformation I have seen many times. As a pediatrician, though, there are some things that I want to clarify for families who may have transgender children in the family, and be looking for guidance.
1) Gender dysphoria: Poppy is very happy and feels most whole as a female, and yet does not have any negative thoughts about her male body parts. In the book, this is attributed to the family being so accepting, but children with gender dysphoria will have negative feelings about their genitalia. This is not because of something their family did, but because they don’t feel that it fits who they are on the inside. These negative feelings are incredibly common, but also do need to be addressed head-on with therapy.
2) Ask for help: The family doesn’t ask for help, which, for a mother who is a doctor, and a father doing tons of research, while living in a city with plenty of resources, is an enigma to me. The parents talk to a social worker in Wisconsin via Skype, but Poppy’s pediatrician is never involved and Poppy and her siblings never talk to a counselor or seek out a support group. I get that the story works best to talk about the dangers of secrets, but I don’t feel like the point is ever made that none of them need to feel alone, there are many other people dealing with the same feelings and the same issues and resources to be tapped into. The way to avoid suicide, depression, and anxiety in transgender children has been very clearly shown to be an accepting environment, and that doesn’t just mean at home. Look up the American Academy of Pediatrics guide to supporting transgender children for more details.

This book is powerful, heartbreaking, beautiful, timely, and critically important. I am so grateful it was recommended to me. I’m not going to recap the story; that’s what dust jackets and publisher’s descriptions are for … or reading the actual book is an option. I cannot understand why so many reviews on here are merely book reports intent on summarizing the entire novel (for what reason I cannot imagine). Anyway, what I will tell you is that for the first time in my life, I wept openly on the pages of a book…over and over again. My heart hurt and it rejoiced. It felt trapped and it soared…along with Rosie and Penn and their brood of spunky kids. These are people I want in my life…overflowing with patience, kindness, and unconditional love. The author’s note mentions the book may be controversial; I couldn’t even begin to care. I choose to embrace the message, love the story and all the love it shares, and be a part of the solution, rather than the problem. There needn’t be any controversy in doing what’s best for your child. This is easily one of my top five most impactful books, and it’s hard to imagine that anything will take its place. As a bonus, this author is extremely talented. The writing is quick, meaningful, sharp and so touching. Very well done.

This Is How It Always Is is about the Walsh-Adams family–Rosie, Penn, Roo, Ben, Rigel, Orion, and Claude. Although Rosie did everything she knew to do in order to become pregnant with a girl, her youngest child was born a son–Claude; however, Claude is not like his older brothers. Instead of GI Joes, he prefers Barbie dolls. Instead of jeans and tee shirts, he prefers twirly dresses. And instead of dreaming of growing up to be a fireman or football player or teacher, he dreams of becoming a girl. What starts off as simply indulging Claude’s “pretend play” quickly becomes much more, and the Walsh-Adams family begins adjusting to the idea of having a daughter and sister named Poppy instead of a son and brother named Claude. Their acceptance and love of Poppy is undeniable, but when her safety in the real world comes into question, they move across the country and start new lives where Poppy can simply be Poppy and not “Poppy who used to be Claude.”

Laurie Frankel has crafted a magnificent book with a poignant story, wonderfully developed characters, and valuable lessons. When I finished the book, I knew that I would be processing the emotions it evoked for quite some time and carrying the priceless lessons it taught much longer than that. To be quite honest, it evoked such powerful emotions that I had to take a break for a couple of days before I could finish the book, at one point. I found myself connected to Rosie’s character on a deeply emotional level, especially, and following her journey–from falling in love with Penn as a medical student to a hard-working mother of five–was fascinating to me. Any mother or father can related to Rosie’s and Penn’s struggles to make the best decisions possible for all of their children and their desires to ensure that they be safe, healthy, and happy. However, as the mother of a child with autism, I found that their concerns about Poppy’s unique situation were ultimately the same as the parent of any child with unique needs. We worry that others will judge our kids, that they will be picked on, or that they will be taken advantage of or abused. We worry that life will be hard for our kids. We worry that they won’t live their best lives. We just want our kids to be loved and accepted for who they are on the inside. That’s it.

But isn’t that what ALL parents really want?

Rosie and Penn aren’t perfect parents. They make mistakes and learn as they go, and Roo’s storyline is a particularly painful reminder that although Poppy’s needs are unique, they are not the only needs that exist in the Walsh-Adams family. However, Rosie and Penn and the things they learn about being parents to five very different children provide excellent lessons in how to raise good humans.

All of this is not to say that the plot and deeply moving lessons in the book are ALL This Is How It Always Is has to offer. The writing itself is unique and hypnotic. Frankel’s way of weaving humor throughout the book was entertaining and made the Walsh-Adams family realistic and relatable. Any family with five children (including twin teenagers) is bound to have its fair share of chaotic moments, and witnessing those normal family interactions with all the humor they tend to involve allows readers to take notice of the fact that life moves forward, no matter how heavy our worries and secrets may be. Frankel’s sometimes long, rambling sentences are frank and full of references to earlier details in the book, and they made the rhythm of the book completely enchanting, just like the fairy tales Penn told his children every night before bed. The characters themselves are lovable, and I absolutely adored everything about Claude/Poppy, especially, but I found myself drawn to them all.

Ultimately, Laurie Frankel has written an absolutely beautiful novel about loving people–especially our children–no matter what. In her author’s note at the end, she says, “I know this book will be controversial, but honestly? I keep forgetting why.” I keep coming back to those words, over and over again, and the power of such simple statements is undeniable. Understanding the lives of transgender children is impossible without having a front seat. Although this book is a far cry from a front seat, it’s a valuable peek inside their world. That peek has helped me become a better mother to my own children–and a better human, in general.

This book came very highly recommended. Sadly I really didnt like it at all. I thought the main characters were all too perfect. There were secondary characters who were wooden and frankly ridiculous. The dialog was clunky. There is a fairy tale that weaves in and out of the main story. In hindsight it seems like the author came up with a story to hang on to the fairy tale.

This is a very sensitive subject and I dont think it was treated in a realistic light at all, in spite of the author dealing with it in her own life.

I was intrigued to read this given its topical nature and the fact that the author is herself the mother of a child with gender disphoria. I’m not sure what I expected, but it wasn’t this.

I appreciate how challenging it must have been–and possible cathartic as well–for Frankel to tackle a subject so close to her heart; one that is mired in controversy, stigma and misunderstanding. And I think she did so with a special sensitivity borne out of personal experience. So kudos for that.

I felt for little Claude/Poppy, whose innocence is stolen by confusion, fear and deception. And I felt for Rosie and Penn, the parents prepared to make huge sacrifices to do right by their daughter. And I felt for the four older brothers, for being involuntary co-conspirators and for being cast in Poppy’s shadow.

I understood the metaphor that was the fairytale of Grumwald and Princess Stephanie. And I got the main messages: that all kids are individuals–some cookier than others–and gender disphoria is just another manifestation of uniqueness; that nothing in life is black and white, so there’s no shame in grey; and that often the answers to problems can be found by simply taking a different perspective.

The book is enlightening in many ways, and I’m glad I read it.

BUT, it is way too long. Too much chaff amongst the wheat. And much of the message has to be extracted using a mechanical digger! I have the feeling Frankel was trying too hard to get her message across and repeatedly got bogged down in unnecessary waffle. Perhaps being so close to the subject actually clouded rather than clarified her vision. This wasn’t helped by what in my opinion was at times a laborious writing style; sentences were often so long, I lost the thread and had to re-read them. I want my reading to be a joy not a drudge.

So, yes, it was an interesting topic, but it was let down by a heavy-handed narrative. On balance then, I can’t give it more than 3 stars.

Thanks for reading my review. I hope you found it helpful. You can find more candid book reviews on my profile page.

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