The Art of Social Excellence: How to Make Your Personal and Business Relationships Thrive

I received a copy of this book through the Amazon Vine program in exchange for an honest review.

This book was around 3.5 stars for me.

The author has a lot to say and provides a lot of research. Fexeus is opinionated and shares what he thinks is the best way to communicate with people. One of the strangest parts of the book to me is instead of being gender neutral with language Fexeus assigns he or she pronouns to various characters or roles and then uses them throughout the book. He could have used a simple they throughout the book that wouldn’t have taken me out of the page. It was also odd because Fexeus seems to acknowledge that different cultures have different kinds of communications, but then leans heavily into what would be considered white, white collar communication techniques. While the book provides some helpful information, there’s also unsettling information like how you should touch people (this book came out during the pandemic! Even when we’re back in offices I don’t want anyone touching my arm thinking they’re being friendly!) and the idea that you can reframe your thinking to make any situation more positive. I can choose to be as happy as I want but it’s not going to get rid of systematic racism and cognitive bias which are things that exist, interfere with our communication styles, and yet don’t get mentioned at all in this book.

I’m clearly not the audience for this book but it is an interesting read.

This book, The Art of Social Excellence, is full of words. I am sure they are useful words, but I can’t really say for sure that they are because it’s not the kind of book I can absorb by reading once. The entire time I was reading it I was thinking how a chapter had interesting ideas–I will have to come back and read it again so I can think about it for awhile. I don’t know how much time I have to read a book and get a review down on “paper”, but I am pretty sure I don’t have the months I need to totally digest this entire book.

According to the author, Henrik Fexeus, I need this book. He has a list of 21 questions that we each should answer to decide whether or not we are socially competent. If you answer yes to any one of the first 18 or no to the last three questions the author says you need this book. I don’t know how anyone can not answer yes to at least one of those questions. And one of the last three questions, “Do others understand your wishes, and do they follow them?” seems like an odd question. Unless I am the boss I don’t think I can control people by making sure they understand what I want. That question scares me a little.

This is an interesting book which I think could be very useful in helping people communicate better. However, it is not a mindless read. It needs concentration, time and thought like many text books do. One reading from start to finish is just the beginning of becoming what the author thinks will make us all better people.

Pre-Covid and working from home, I may have been less receptive to Henrik Fexeus’s “Art of Social Excellence”. Or more precisely, I would have glossed over some topics and thought, “Yes, true, familiar but true” and moved on.

With working from home, the points in chapters on “The Lost Art of Conversation” and “The Art of Listening” have more impact on me. Heck, the chapter on “Nonverbal Rhetorics” hit me a lot more than I expected. By mid-summer of this year, I noticed a feeling of disconnectedness with colleagues at work. I was listening but feeling like I didn’t understand. Reading this book has helped me identify areas that I had lost touch with or that I was weak in and the work-from-home situation exacerbated.

The author writes in a clear and concise manner so it makes it easy to digest the information and connect the dots. I really believe that I’ll be going back to this book even after I return to the office on a more regular basis. For the home front, it is helping me pause more to understand what is being said or not said. Very happy that I selected this book. It has been helpful for me at home and at work.

I’m not quite sure I was the intended audience for this book. I read it in hopes of improving what I already know and making certain situations, like business negotiations, easier. Much of the advice in here is really basic manners. Ones that should have been taught while young or learned while young in different social settings. I can appreciate the need for this book. Reading it today being an older person I found that much of the advice I already had. For example don’t return a compliment with a compliment otherwise it seems insincere. A much younger self (12/14/18) could have benefited from many of those tips. I will be having my children read parts from this in hopes it saves them some embarrassment. There are many situations in life which arise and unfortunately as parents we can’t always remember to pass on every little rule that comes.
I do think the writing style could be more engaging. Given the subject manner I’m not sure how though.

THE ART OF SOCIAL EXCELLENCE is one of those books cursed by its release date. I am eager to put into practice so much of what author Henrik Fexeus recommends–just as soon as we are able to interact face-to-face with one another again.

Fexeus breaks down in an easy-to-read style, how to improve our social and conversational interactions. Unfortunately–for shy people like me–he doesn’t offer much advice on overcoming shyness. He’s more focused on improving social skills, not developing them.

He decries how isolated we all have become due to social media, texting, etc.–sadder still in 2020 than when he wrote those words.

Although I did read this book from cover to cover, it will be more valuable to go back and reread pertinent sections as needed. I, for one, will never again take for granted the opportunity to talk to a stranger in person. #TheArtOfSocialExcellence #NetGalley

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