On Living

I’m 81, soon to be 82, in relatively good health; nonetheless, “I’m quietly preparing to die.” I don’t mean that in any morbid, or fear-ridden sense. I love life: I fill my days with my many hobbies, friends, and family. (Also the occasional High School or Ship’s reunion.) And yet my world grows smaller. Fortunately, it’s shrinking pace is slow in these remaining moments.
I have two friends, a father and his son. We’ve been friends for more the fifty years. The son was seven-years-old when our friendship began. His father is dying of mesothelioma. Each of them are dealing with impending death in their own, unique way. I sent them each a copy of Ms. Egan’s book. The son shared it with his wife, both thanked me profusely. I wasn’t surprised: that’s “they’re way”. I’ve heard nothing from my older friend. I’m not surprised: “that’s his way”.
I love to tell stories. A fond memory recalls my telling Uncle Remus stories to a gaggle of younger children in the neighborhood–I was ten years old–complete with mimic voices. I’ve never lost that love. I’ve sailed the northern half of all the major seas and oceans, (poked my bow across the equator a couple of times) been around the world twice. Now I tell my own stories. My one great fear is not having an audience when I die. I guess that’s true for most of us. Ms. Egan make that case beautifully, with humility, compassion and understanding.

Kerry Egans ON LIVING is exactly what the title says, a memoir about how to live. While she is a chaplain and works with people who are typically in hospice care and leaving this world, in this magnificent book, she shares incredibly moving stories from patients who made an impression on her, whose words prompted her to talk about, not how you can die gracefully, but how you can live meaningfully.

This is a book for everyone. Whether you have lost someone important to you or not, this book explains the virtues of not waiting for that last breath you are going to take and telling those you love what you wanted to say when you should have said it, not trying to say youre sorry to someone whose health is failing when it is too late, and learning the power of forgiveness, which Egan says to do second, while there is still time to do the actual work thats involved in seeking and granting forgiveness and arriving at some reconciliation.

The stories that she shares are vastly different as are the people with whom she spent time with. Egan also opens up about a very difficult time that she went through, which allowed her to see things from another perspective, not just as the chaplain providing comfort but wishing that she had someone to console her, understand what she had gone through.

An important message that Egan is trying to convey is that dying people are just like us, they just happen to be doing something weve never done. To die is a verb, like to jump, to eat, or to laugh. Its something people do, not who they are.

ON LIVING is comforting, it is a shining light, it is the grandparents words that you heard when you were too young to appreciate them, it is the sage whispers that remind you, this is how I want to live.

On Living is Kerry Egans recounting of stories told to her by hospice patients during her years as a chaplain. I found it readable and engaging in relating the wisdom and healing Ms Egan found from listening to what people with little time left had to say. Their stories are sometimes heart-rending, sometimes tragic, sometimes funny, but never morbid. While it will make the open-minded reader think about confronting death, this book, as the title indicates, is really about confronting life.

Ms Egan is unflinchingly honest in relating the experiences of her patients and of her work trying to help them. She shows us people struggling to cope with incapacity and lifes impending end. She also shows us her brush with psychosis that prompted her hospice work. These dark passages are balanced, however, with commentary informed by her Harvard Divinity School education and the enlightenment she takes from her patients tales. Indeed, her knack for squeezing meaning from experience infused her first book, Fumbling (her story of hiking the 500 mile Camino de Santiago in northern Spain), and kept me reading this one.

Though it concerns dying, On Living does not dwell on death. It shows those who are dying as carrying on, as well as they can, to their last day. Many take comfort from religion, but some dont. Very often, their concerns are mostly for those they will leave behind. Where they are different from people not in a hospice, Ms Egan tells us, is that they know their time is short. So all they do and say takes on an urgency that we should mark.

Ms Egans chapters are essays on themes relating to the experiences of one or more patients. She tells the dying persons story and relates it to her own life. Very often, she makes a quick identification with a patients views. For instance, when one impressed upon her that since life is all shades of gray, we shouldnt get hung up on rules. Following that maxim led to her being reprimanded for bending her jobs rules. While some might judge her unfavorably for such an episode, I see in it an intellectual honesty and empathy that must make her a great chaplain. It certainly makes her a compelling writer.

There are also in this book (as in Fumbling) paranormal highlights. I think they enhance the subject matter. They are described in her incidents with the medicine woman and with her guardian angel. Such passages are powerful because they come from someone not given to supernatural themes. They dont detract from her central purpose but rather support it and emphasize lifes wonder. Such wonder is, perhaps, more readily seen when dealing with distress, such as dying.

Ms Egan says:

“Theres nothing stopping you from acting with the same urgency the dying feel.”

Feeling that urgency is, I think, this books central message. Such feeling creeps upon us as we grow older, if were honest with ourselves. We can dread it or let it spur us to a greater appreciation of life. This theme leavens the stories and central narrative of On Living and makes it a worthy resource for inspiration and personal growth.

There is a continuum in Ms Egans two books. From Fumbling to On Living, we see the maturation of the young Camino pilgrim into the experienced, enlightened, hospice chaplain. Even so, the young seeker is still there, searching out the truth of life in her daily pilgrimage with a desire to share her insights with the world.

I highly recommend On Living as an inspirational and thoughtful read. Dont let the hospice stories aspect put you off. The books title accurately describes its theme; this is not a funeral dirge. I do suggest, though, that you read Fumbling as well, so as to appreciate Ms Egans personal evolution.

The stories in this book remind us that were all facing certain death. You can take that as morbid, or let it prompt you to act with an urgency for life.

Thought provoking book and well written.

great book

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